More on My Mother

My mom and I have never had a great relationship. It was better when I was younger, but only because I still thought all the issues were my fault back then. I was in college when I first realized that she was not a normal mom. That other mothers didn't act the way she did. That other people my age did not emotionally parent their parents.

That reality blew my socks off. I didn't know what to do about it. I ended up in therapy but no matter how many tips and strategies a therapist gave me for creating and maintaining boundaries with her, I eventually would grow weary and give up.

Then when I was 28, I had enough. She got mad at the man I was married to at the time (illogically so, in my opinion), and showed up at my work, repeatedly calling my cell and office phone to demand I meet her in the parking lot. When I finally came down, she was red with rage and screamed nonsense at me. I supported my husband's actions, which infuriated her further. She stormed off telling me to call her when my priorities were straight. I knew that would never happen and painfully washed my hands of her at that moment.

Thus began a year of no contact and though life was not perfect at that time, I was happier than I had been in a long time. I knew during this time she was telling everyone in the family how horrible I was (humilation has always been her favorite method of keeping me in line), so I just avoided my entire family. Again, not a bad time in my life. I learned a lot about who I was, discovered that I actually liked who I was and without my mother making everything all about her, I realized aspects of my life (like my marriage and career) that needed changing.

It all came to a halt when an uncle stepped in. Without me in the picture, my mother was springing her infamous unannounced visits on others. Not that she hasn't always done this, but she typically would be at my house longer and more often, which meant her appearances at his home were spread further apart. He tried appealing to my soft spot, giving me the "your mom misses you and if you'd let go of your selfish pride, you'd realize you miss her too." When I stood my ground that I was happier and saner without her, he laid it out -- my mother was driving a wedge in his marriage and he wanted it to stop. I caved, thought I could reestablish a healthy relationship with my mother and made content.

Six years later, some things are better but most aren't. The big challenge now is that my mother has alienated all of her siblings so she only has me and a couple of friends. She's now unemployed and is the victim of her own poor planning. And I now have a child, meaning that the decisions I make about my mother don't just affect me but my daughter's relationship with her as well.

All of which combines to make me feel trapped in this relationship with her, one I hate and feel powerless to change.