I didn't sleep for shit last night. I went to bed at 1 a.m. and was up at 3:45 p.m. It's funny, insomnia is what I think led to my disordered drinking. I'd have a glass of wine at night to unwind, which led to two and then three. I'd go to bed, only to bolt awake as soon as the alcohol burned off. Up in the middle of the night wide awake is not good when one has to work in the morning. So I'd get up and drink more to fall back asleep. Then I'd get up with my alarm and be bleary-eyed and groggy so I'd jolt myself with caffeine -- sometimes a pot or more of coffee throughout the day. Then, I'd be too wired at night to sleep. So guess what I'd do? Yup...another glass of wine to "unwind." Rinse and repeat.
When I woke up this morning, I realized that I don't drink because I suffer from insomnia. Alcohol is causing my insomnia. And lately after drinking, I am paralyzed by anxiety, which feeds my insomnia.
So I started my day with a smoothie and a vitamin. Not perfect but a start as I start over.
Even right now, I don't know that I am quitting drinking but I know I need to. My husband works again tonight, and it seems that is when I drink myself into a stupor most often. So I called a friend and scheduled a post-dinner playdate for my daughter. I had company till about 9 p.m. Most of the night is gone and I haven't thought about getting some wine. Now, if I can just immerse myself in bed and bath routines with my daughter, I might make it to bedtime without a drink.
And so my sobriety will begin.
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