Beer-Thirty?

It's 4:36 p.m. and I want a mother fucking drink. Seriously. I have visualized the sheer bliss of cracking open one of my husband's beers all day. All.damn.day.

So what if beer isn't my thing? Who cares that carbonation makes me sick? There is beer in my house, and I think drinking it will solve all my problems.

How much do I suck? Seriously...It hasn't even been a week since my last drink and I'm like a nymphomaniac on an island with no men, women or sex toys -- just a tree branch, and the branch is starting to look good.

Tonight scares me. I can't even pretend it doesn't. My sitter leaves at 5. My little one and I head out to a booze-free holiday party at 5:30. We'll be home by 8:30. Daddy will be at work until midnight. From now to 8:30, I have it handled. But what about 8:31 to midnight?

That's when I'll be confronted with the million-and-one things that haven't been done while I was working today: The dirty dishes, the meal planning, the holiday meal planning, the baking, the cleaning. And then juggling that with bath time, cuddle time and bed time. Never enough hours in the day but it all goes by so much faster when I have a drink in my hand.

Day 5

The devil on my shoulder has been loud lately. I thought about drinking all day yesterday. When I was making a cup of coffee yesterday, I thought of how much better it would taste with a little brandy or whiskey. When someone handed me a 7-Up at work yesterday, I took it (I don't drink carbonated beverages) and drank the whole thing wishing I had some Seagram's 7 at home. I went to a party with a friend last night, and when I arrived at her place, she was sipping on a glass of wine while getting ready. I white-knuckled my Starbucks peppermint tea that I brought and didn't ask her to share the wealth.

The party we were attending was booze-free as expected, but it was hard to concentrate on the fun. I just wanted a drink. To top it off, I was so exhausted from my nights of not sleeping that I couldn't help but think a little nightcap would be perfect.

As much as I wanted to stick around for wine and whine time with my friend when we got back to her place, I had my husband meet me there so I didn't even walk in her house. I apologized for running off and used the excuse of us both needing to work today. I came home cranky and fatigued from my day of emotional wars.

I went to bed sober. That's my win for the day.

Hard and Harder

Yesterday was hard. Today feels hard. Four days of sobriety and I am exhausted, grumpy and frustrated. I almost did a "What the hell?" last night and dipped into my husband's beer stash in the garage.

I'm trying to figure out why last night was so difficult. It didn't turn out as planned. But life does that, I suppose. I was supposed to go to an event after work and decided to cancel because I wanted to spend time with my family. I thought we could decorate the tree, have dinner together and watch a movie.

My husband, it turns out, had a killer headache. I sent him to bed at 7, which meant it was just my daugher and me for the rest of the evening -- and that is when my urge to drink is strongest. I decided not to cook anything elaborate since I so love to drink while cooking. I rocked her while watching episode after episode of "Angelina Ballerina" on Netflix. Shoot me know.

In between the rocking and the sweet "I love yous" she says when we cuddle, I thought about that beer in the garage. Beer is not my trigger. I don't like carbonated alcohol, never really have. Finishing a full beer takes me over an hour, but it was calling me.

I was frustrated the night hadn't turned out as planned. Frustrated that my husband has debilitating headache after headache for what feels like the better part of the last three years. Now that we're managing his diabetes, his blood pressure and his moods with prescription medication, he's supposed to feel great. But he never does. We rarely spend time as a couple cultivating our relationship or even as a family with our daughter. If all three of us are home at the same time, either I go to bed early or he does -- and the other one ends up all night solo with our daughter.

Last night wasn't awful. My daughter was amenable to going to bed at 9:30 so long as she could sleep with me. We love having her in our bed so she was fast asleep before 10, as was I. Then I was up at 11, 11:30, 1:30, 3, and finally at 5 when I gave up that whole sleep thing and decided to go online.

So today is Day 4, and I'm tired and grumpy. I have a full day at the office and then a holiday party. And then it's bed so I can do it all over again tomorrow. This sucks.

Day 3-Busy Week

I kicked off my week of insanity last night. I have a holiday-related event every single night this week. No time for rest, no time to breathe. Heck, I'm not even sure if I'll have time to decorate for Christmas. Next year, that task needs to be on Black Friday just to ensure it happens!

I made it through yesterday without a drink. It was offered but I managed to hold my tongue and not echo the "hell yeahs" the other moms responded to the suggestion of Bailey's spiked coffee.

Came home to sleeping little one and a difficult conversation with my husband. I'm trying to resolve an argument we had a week ago. Unfortunately, he started taking Lexapro a week ago, and he just couldn't focus on the topic. So, I went to bed frustrated and emotionally exhausted. I kept thinking that a glass of wine would make me so much more patient, that it would make the conversation so much easier to tolerate.

In the end, I went to bed sober and had yet another miserable night of sleep. That's one of the problems I'm facing in early sobriety. I can't sleep for shit. Irritating, and it doesn't make me very nice in the morning.

Today, I'm fueling up on coffee. No more of this quitting all vices at once. Right now, I'll focus on alcohol. Coffee can go away later.

I'll be gone late again tonight, but this time, the event I'm attending is guaranteed alcohol-free. I have a holiday party on Wednesday; no clue what's being served. I might just take tea with me. Thursday night is another booze-free party. Friday night's party will have more booze than food so I need to figure out a plan for that. And then Saturday I'll be facing the same scenario.

Just need to stay strong and focus on today.

Not Your Average Drunk

I know alcohol does different things to different people. Some people are fun drunks, others are mean. Some people back out, others remember everything. Still, I find myself surprised at its effect on me.

A week of sobriety made me grumpy and gave me difficulty sleeping (thank God for herbal tea) but I found myself doing better as I got farther away from that last drink.

Friday night was hard. We went to be late, and then my daughter started with night terrors at 2 a.m. I was up with her until 5:30 a.m. I went back to bed until 7, when I had to get up for an event I was coordinating on Saturday. I was exhausted and sore from hours in the rocking chair. I decided my moratorium on coffee wasn't happening and got a big mug of it on my way. I drank coffee all day long.

We were home by 5 p.m. Friday, and I commenced my cooking frenzy. And I drank. A lot. So much so I don't remember going to bed. But then I was up with no problem, before my alarm at 5:30. Up early enough to go downstairs, tidy up the kitchen, get ready for the day and confront the fact that I fell off the wagon. I wasn't exactly clear-headed but I managed to get a lot done before leaving the house at 8:30.

I know I have a drinking problem. I see that clearly right now. But what I don't understand is why drunk me runs circles around the rest of the world, and sober me struggles. Obviously, I need to develop some life skills. Just not sure how to go about doing that.

Starting Over-Again

I hate myself today. I'm not even sure I can talk about it.  Let's just say wine is apparently not my only trigger, and that the evenings that I'm home alone with my daughter are the hardest when it comes to staying sober.

I had a full night of cooking, and I like to drink when I'm cooking. I don't know why but I do. It's like peas and carrots for me. Just goes together perfectly. And for the record, I tend to be incredibly productive when I do. I will wake up in the a.m. with tons done and a clean kitchen. I may not remember any of it, but it looks great.

I will be gone every night this coming week because of holiday obligations, and this weekend is busy. Last night was my big night to cook. One of things I was making last night was cookie dough for an exchange coming up later in the week. I was making my holiday special, which is basically a cranberry-white chocolate cookie with brandy in it.

I had signed up to make them before I quit drinking, before I even realized drinking was really a problem for me. I didn't think it would be a problem. I was wrong.

I drank half the bottle of brandy last night. The rest went in the monumental amount of cookie dough I made. I don't remember going to bed.

Now, I'm wondering if it's time to talk to my husband, to tell him the depths of my problem, to ask for help.

How to Cope

I cannot eat my way through sobriety. I know some people do and worry about weight loss later, but it's really not an option for me. I have successfully maintained a loss of 170 pounds for over five years, thanks to gastric-bypass surgery. I have physical limitations that prevent me from eating everything in front of me in an effort to ignore alcohol.

But I know I need to find a crutch.

My sister has been sober 2 1/2 years, and she's proud of the fact that she never walked into a single meeting, never told her doctors, never reached out for help from anyone aside from her husband. And I am proud of her, too. It's a big accomplishment. Her crutch has been exercise, lots of it, every day. It works for her. It's helped her shed the excess weight drinking packed on, it's gotten her through "happy hour," which was the window of time between when she got home from work and her husband did.

My sister's life, however, is not my own. She lives in a different state, far away from any family, and the isolation suits her very well. Her kids are teens, and she has a lot of disposable income. I, on the other hand, am the primary wage earner in my home, my husband and I share one car, and our daughter is almost 3. There is not the time, money,  transportation, nor the child care to allow me two hours a day at the gym. Nobody's fault, just not my current reality.

What I would like more than anything is to have life be my crutch, to immerse myself in the joy of experiencing daily life with my husband and daughter. That sounds like way more fun than overeating, over-exercising, over-crafting or any one of the other compulsive behaviors I could adopt to stay sober. I'm not there yet but I hope to be soon.