It's been a little under a month since I last drank to excess (translation: drank myself stupid). The cravings have subsided, and I am more relaxed now from day to day.
My current challenge is my husband. I have been struggling with how/when to tell him, and honestly, I'm still not sure exactly what to tell him. I have told him that I'm not interested in drinking right now. I really thought after my last binge (entire bottle of brandy), that he understood I have a problem and would piece together my sudden "not drinking" commitment.
Then Christmas rolled around and he offered to pick up wine from the store for me, and offered me a beer at a party. On New Year's, he kept trying to serve me a drink or give me a sip of his. He seemed surprised when I declined the sake toast and had cider instead. On New Year's Day, I just pretended to drink the sake and dumped it.
In his defense, I have never sat him down eye-to-eye and said, "I think I am an alcoholic, and I would like your support in going sober." I utter euphemisms like, "I'm cutting back," "I think I'm getting too old to party like I used to," "I'm just not in the mood to drink right now."
Those are not definitive statements. Really, I've just made it sound like I'm on a little diet. And though I have always thought he was smart enough to connect the dots, I have to remember that I have never been a daily drinker. So he's seen me get tipsy/drunk maybe twice a month over the last year.
At some point, we'll have to have "the talk." I just don't know when.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
It's 4:44 p.m., and I just realized that I haven't thought about drinking all day today. I mean, I've read my normal course of "booze-free" blogs, but the thought of me personally wanting a drinking hasn't struck me today. I didn't even think about browsing the wine aisle at the grocery store earlier today. It just hasn't been on my mind. I could get used to this.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
A Sober New Year
For an alcoholic, I haven't spent a New Year's Eve drunk since 2006. Interesting realization as I look at this year being different than others. NYE 2007 and 2008 were spent at overnight church functions. NYE 2009 was spent pregnant and at home. NYE 2010 and 2011 were also spent at home.
So the biggest drinking night of the year historically hasn't been a big deal to me. This year, however, NYE was a big deal to me. I wanted to celebrate the coming year and I wanted to do something fun. We settled on participating in a little party with the Asian side of the family. What says "fun" more than noodles?
Not drinking was a little more challenging than anticipated but I made it through without beer, scotch or sake. The only true temptation was the scotch -- I have long loved the taste of brown liquor served neat. But when I took a moment to think it through, I realized the problem I would face when everyone else in the room stopped at one (which they all did), and I would be consumed with the desire for two, three and four.
I drank a lot of water, a little sparkling cider and ate a ton of snacks. I wasn't misearble and I truly had fun.
Today is another big day for our family. But like most of our holidays with my husband's family, the big party is more about eating than drinking. Still, I think I might stop by the store for a case of water before we go -- just to be sure I have plenty to drink. One lesson learned in my journey to sobriety is the importance of proper planning. I can't just say, "I'm not drinking," and forget about it -- that works for people who don't have drinking problems. I have to commit to "not drinking," anticipate the challenges and then devise a plan for success.
It's getting easier, though. And that's a good thing. Happy New Year. May 2013 be the year I'm a sober machine!
So the biggest drinking night of the year historically hasn't been a big deal to me. This year, however, NYE was a big deal to me. I wanted to celebrate the coming year and I wanted to do something fun. We settled on participating in a little party with the Asian side of the family. What says "fun" more than noodles?
Not drinking was a little more challenging than anticipated but I made it through without beer, scotch or sake. The only true temptation was the scotch -- I have long loved the taste of brown liquor served neat. But when I took a moment to think it through, I realized the problem I would face when everyone else in the room stopped at one (which they all did), and I would be consumed with the desire for two, three and four.
I drank a lot of water, a little sparkling cider and ate a ton of snacks. I wasn't misearble and I truly had fun.
Today is another big day for our family. But like most of our holidays with my husband's family, the big party is more about eating than drinking. Still, I think I might stop by the store for a case of water before we go -- just to be sure I have plenty to drink. One lesson learned in my journey to sobriety is the importance of proper planning. I can't just say, "I'm not drinking," and forget about it -- that works for people who don't have drinking problems. I have to commit to "not drinking," anticipate the challenges and then devise a plan for success.
It's getting easier, though. And that's a good thing. Happy New Year. May 2013 be the year I'm a sober machine!
Monday, December 31, 2012
More on My Mother
My mom and I have never had a great relationship. It was better when I was younger, but only because I still thought all the issues were my fault back then. I was in college when I first realized that she was not a normal mom. That other mothers didn't act the way she did. That other people my age did not emotionally parent their parents.
That reality blew my socks off. I didn't know what to do about it. I ended up in therapy but no matter how many tips and strategies a therapist gave me for creating and maintaining boundaries with her, I eventually would grow weary and give up.
Then when I was 28, I had enough. She got mad at the man I was married to at the time (illogically so, in my opinion), and showed up at my work, repeatedly calling my cell and office phone to demand I meet her in the parking lot. When I finally came down, she was red with rage and screamed nonsense at me. I supported my husband's actions, which infuriated her further. She stormed off telling me to call her when my priorities were straight. I knew that would never happen and painfully washed my hands of her at that moment.
Thus began a year of no contact and though life was not perfect at that time, I was happier than I had been in a long time. I knew during this time she was telling everyone in the family how horrible I was (humilation has always been her favorite method of keeping me in line), so I just avoided my entire family. Again, not a bad time in my life. I learned a lot about who I was, discovered that I actually liked who I was and without my mother making everything all about her, I realized aspects of my life (like my marriage and career) that needed changing.
It all came to a halt when an uncle stepped in. Without me in the picture, my mother was springing her infamous unannounced visits on others. Not that she hasn't always done this, but she typically would be at my house longer and more often, which meant her appearances at his home were spread further apart. He tried appealing to my soft spot, giving me the "your mom misses you and if you'd let go of your selfish pride, you'd realize you miss her too." When I stood my ground that I was happier and saner without her, he laid it out -- my mother was driving a wedge in his marriage and he wanted it to stop. I caved, thought I could reestablish a healthy relationship with my mother and made content.
Six years later, some things are better but most aren't. The big challenge now is that my mother has alienated all of her siblings so she only has me and a couple of friends. She's now unemployed and is the victim of her own poor planning. And I now have a child, meaning that the decisions I make about my mother don't just affect me but my daughter's relationship with her as well.
All of which combines to make me feel trapped in this relationship with her, one I hate and feel powerless to change.
That reality blew my socks off. I didn't know what to do about it. I ended up in therapy but no matter how many tips and strategies a therapist gave me for creating and maintaining boundaries with her, I eventually would grow weary and give up.
Then when I was 28, I had enough. She got mad at the man I was married to at the time (illogically so, in my opinion), and showed up at my work, repeatedly calling my cell and office phone to demand I meet her in the parking lot. When I finally came down, she was red with rage and screamed nonsense at me. I supported my husband's actions, which infuriated her further. She stormed off telling me to call her when my priorities were straight. I knew that would never happen and painfully washed my hands of her at that moment.
Thus began a year of no contact and though life was not perfect at that time, I was happier than I had been in a long time. I knew during this time she was telling everyone in the family how horrible I was (humilation has always been her favorite method of keeping me in line), so I just avoided my entire family. Again, not a bad time in my life. I learned a lot about who I was, discovered that I actually liked who I was and without my mother making everything all about her, I realized aspects of my life (like my marriage and career) that needed changing.
It all came to a halt when an uncle stepped in. Without me in the picture, my mother was springing her infamous unannounced visits on others. Not that she hasn't always done this, but she typically would be at my house longer and more often, which meant her appearances at his home were spread further apart. He tried appealing to my soft spot, giving me the "your mom misses you and if you'd let go of your selfish pride, you'd realize you miss her too." When I stood my ground that I was happier and saner without her, he laid it out -- my mother was driving a wedge in his marriage and he wanted it to stop. I caved, thought I could reestablish a healthy relationship with my mother and made content.
Six years later, some things are better but most aren't. The big challenge now is that my mother has alienated all of her siblings so she only has me and a couple of friends. She's now unemployed and is the victim of her own poor planning. And I now have a child, meaning that the decisions I make about my mother don't just affect me but my daughter's relationship with her as well.
All of which combines to make me feel trapped in this relationship with her, one I hate and feel powerless to change.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
No Amount of Liquor....
I had a grim realization on Christmas. There is no amount of alcohol in the world that can make me tolerate my mother. Laugh, if you want, but it's true.
I don't like her, and I think if she had the emotional maturity to be self-aware, she'd admit that she doesn't like me either.
We are complete opposites. She sits back and laments life happening to her, and the raw deal she's gotten from life. I go out and make life happen. I get knocked down -- a lot. But I always get back up and keep moving forward. She takes no responsibility for her actions or her decisions. It's almost as if she's allergic to self-awareness. I, on the other hand, operat like the general manager of the universe, constantly trying to figure out what I can personally do to effect change.
On Christmas Eve, I would have paid my husband to go out and get wine. He even offered (he still seems clueless that his wife is an alcoholic). On Christmas Eve as I was cooking our entire family meal on my own while my mother made comments here and there (some biting, some benign), I really thought about wine. How much wine would I have to drink to be content during one of her visits? The current visit was five days. Would five bottles be enough? Nope. That's only 4 glasses of wine a day, enough to keep a happy buzz for most of the day but not enough to let her words and mannerisms fly overhead. Would 10 bottles be enough -- 2 bottles a day? Definitely enough to keep me stupid drunk throughout her visit, but I'd still have moments of sobriety when she could say something that stung or annoyed. Would a case of wine -- 12 bottles -- do it? Maybe, but I'd be useless to the rest of the family -- unable to plan and execute meals or do the things with my husband and daughter that I loved. I would have no memory of her visit, but I'd also have no memory of five consecutive days. That wouldn't work.
So, my fianl answer is none. There is no amount of alcohol that would enable me to tolerate my mom without suffering unbearable consequences. Huh. What am I supposed to do with that information?
I don't like her, and I think if she had the emotional maturity to be self-aware, she'd admit that she doesn't like me either.
We are complete opposites. She sits back and laments life happening to her, and the raw deal she's gotten from life. I go out and make life happen. I get knocked down -- a lot. But I always get back up and keep moving forward. She takes no responsibility for her actions or her decisions. It's almost as if she's allergic to self-awareness. I, on the other hand, operat like the general manager of the universe, constantly trying to figure out what I can personally do to effect change.
On Christmas Eve, I would have paid my husband to go out and get wine. He even offered (he still seems clueless that his wife is an alcoholic). On Christmas Eve as I was cooking our entire family meal on my own while my mother made comments here and there (some biting, some benign), I really thought about wine. How much wine would I have to drink to be content during one of her visits? The current visit was five days. Would five bottles be enough? Nope. That's only 4 glasses of wine a day, enough to keep a happy buzz for most of the day but not enough to let her words and mannerisms fly overhead. Would 10 bottles be enough -- 2 bottles a day? Definitely enough to keep me stupid drunk throughout her visit, but I'd still have moments of sobriety when she could say something that stung or annoyed. Would a case of wine -- 12 bottles -- do it? Maybe, but I'd be useless to the rest of the family -- unable to plan and execute meals or do the things with my husband and daughter that I loved. I would have no memory of her visit, but I'd also have no memory of five consecutive days. That wouldn't work.
So, my fianl answer is none. There is no amount of alcohol that would enable me to tolerate my mom without suffering unbearable consequences. Huh. What am I supposed to do with that information?
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Angry All the Time
I'm typically a merry ray of sunshine for all whom I encounter, except since I quit drinking. Especially since Christmas, I've been cranky, irritable and easily angered. Just about everything sets me off. In some situations, I'm justified in my ire. But it's not like me to get angry -- even when justified. I'm nice, diplomatic, calm.
I don't know who the mercurial bitch is that currently inhabits my body or where she came from, but I am exhausted by my constant state of unhappiness.
I don't know who the mercurial bitch is that currently inhabits my body or where she came from, but I am exhausted by my constant state of unhappiness.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Not Your Average Drunk
I haven't done any writing over the past couple of weeks but I've done a lot of thinking. Reading the stories of other alcoholics has made it harder for me to accept the idea that I am among them.
Recently, I've heard tales of women leaving infants/toddlers home alone while they run to the liquor store, drunken-driving with kids in the car, agressive/abusive behavior toward children or spouses, women who drink a bottle or bottles of hard liquor/wine/whatever daily in secret or out in the open. None of these stories are mine. None of them resonnate with me. All they do is make me feel more isolated and confused.
Does the fact that I'm not doing these things mean I am not an alcoholic? Does the fact that I have never been a daily drinker mean I don't have a drinking problem? Does the fact that my drinking has only been out of control for the past two years mean that I'm not an alcoholic?
I don't know. Some days, I think it does. I read these stories and am almost giddy at the idea that if those actions define alcoholism, then I am most definitely not an alcoholic. But then I think back to something a therapist once told me: Alcoholism is not defined by what you drink or how often you drink; it's about what you do when you're drinking and how you feel afterward.
We were discussing my ex-husband's drunken antics at the time, and his refusal to take responsibility for anything done or said while intoxicated. Same therapist also defined a drinking problem as occurring when you or those close to you have a problem with what happens while you're drinking. She'd say, "If you or those you know think you might have a drinking problem, you probably do."
She was blunt; I always liked that about her. And I've carried those words with me for over a decade. Those words have been on repeat in my brain for the last year or so as I've wondered if my drinking had entered the "problem" category.
I have never been a daily drinker. I don't have the money, the free time or the ability to buy and consume alcohol on a daily basis. At this point in my life, even cheap wine has to be in the budget in order to be a possibility. And there's really only enough disposable income to justify one night out a month so it's not like I am the queen of the bars.
But when I do drink, I drink a lot. I drink until the booze runs out or I fall asleep. If I buy a bottle of wine, I usually drink the entire bottle of wine that day or evening. The next day, I find myself craving more wine and lamenting that I guzzled it all the night before. That's why I think I have a problem. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I read online somewhere that when entering recovery, you should strive to find similarities with fellow alcoholics/addicts instead of differences. That's where I am at now, reading the horror stories and trying to see how that could be me -- if not now, in the future if I continue on my path.
I'm not your average drunk, and I'm starting to realize that nobody else is either. We are all individuals with one thing in common -- we like to crawl into a bottle of something as a way to cope or escape -- and we've all discovered that commonality is an unhealthy one.
Recently, I've heard tales of women leaving infants/toddlers home alone while they run to the liquor store, drunken-driving with kids in the car, agressive/abusive behavior toward children or spouses, women who drink a bottle or bottles of hard liquor/wine/whatever daily in secret or out in the open. None of these stories are mine. None of them resonnate with me. All they do is make me feel more isolated and confused.
Does the fact that I'm not doing these things mean I am not an alcoholic? Does the fact that I have never been a daily drinker mean I don't have a drinking problem? Does the fact that my drinking has only been out of control for the past two years mean that I'm not an alcoholic?
I don't know. Some days, I think it does. I read these stories and am almost giddy at the idea that if those actions define alcoholism, then I am most definitely not an alcoholic. But then I think back to something a therapist once told me: Alcoholism is not defined by what you drink or how often you drink; it's about what you do when you're drinking and how you feel afterward.
We were discussing my ex-husband's drunken antics at the time, and his refusal to take responsibility for anything done or said while intoxicated. Same therapist also defined a drinking problem as occurring when you or those close to you have a problem with what happens while you're drinking. She'd say, "If you or those you know think you might have a drinking problem, you probably do."
She was blunt; I always liked that about her. And I've carried those words with me for over a decade. Those words have been on repeat in my brain for the last year or so as I've wondered if my drinking had entered the "problem" category.
I have never been a daily drinker. I don't have the money, the free time or the ability to buy and consume alcohol on a daily basis. At this point in my life, even cheap wine has to be in the budget in order to be a possibility. And there's really only enough disposable income to justify one night out a month so it's not like I am the queen of the bars.
But when I do drink, I drink a lot. I drink until the booze runs out or I fall asleep. If I buy a bottle of wine, I usually drink the entire bottle of wine that day or evening. The next day, I find myself craving more wine and lamenting that I guzzled it all the night before. That's why I think I have a problem. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I read online somewhere that when entering recovery, you should strive to find similarities with fellow alcoholics/addicts instead of differences. That's where I am at now, reading the horror stories and trying to see how that could be me -- if not now, in the future if I continue on my path.
I'm not your average drunk, and I'm starting to realize that nobody else is either. We are all individuals with one thing in common -- we like to crawl into a bottle of something as a way to cope or escape -- and we've all discovered that commonality is an unhealthy one.
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